First observe settle.

Assalamualaikum. =)

Salam 14 Ramadhan. Bulan dah penuh dan sangat dekat pagi2 aku pergi sekolah tengok bulan tu macam nak jatuh je. SubhanAllah =)

Anyway aku dah masuk minggu kedua praktikum di SKMJ. Tadi aku kena observe untuk kelas yang sebelum rehat. Entahlah ye, aku ni takda semangat nak jadi cikgu ke atau memang aku tak pandai mengajar; aku sendiri pun rasa bosan dengan PdP sendiri. Perancangan tak teliti tu satu, sebab aku tak rehearse; dan gabra sampai hampir2 terlupa kelas Arab yang sebelum yang kena observe tu. Hampir nak mengabaikan budak, kan. heh. 

Eh entah la *sigh* aku memang tak pandai mengajar kot. Budak2 semua pandai2 tadi I know they're full of expectations. Tapi maaflah ya cikgu ni mmg kekok jugak nak mengajar kamu, walaupun berjaga semalaman buat RPH dan BBM yang membosankan tu. Haiya aku ingat nak pakai multimedia tp bilik jQaf tu pulak tak tau siapa yang guna. Sekejap nanti kosong tapi bila aku datang balik dah ada cikgu ready nak mengajar kat dalam. 

For the first time, I've thought long and hard. About me, being a teacher. Have it been this hard? Accepting the fact that I cannot teach. I mean, well, everyone can teach, everyone can tell something new and exciting, but teacher nowadays have to be an all-rounder. You become a science teacher while teaching Pendidikan Islam. You become an art instructor when teaching Maths. You become a poet when teaching Science. I'm not saying I'm not creative, I am, everyone is, Allah had built each brain with at least 1% of creative thinking, AllahuAkbar!; but to find someone who can maximize his or her creativeness and boost it for practical purpose is quite rare. And to find someone who's in love with his/her job is also, quite rare. You know when you fall in love you'll willing to do anything, right? Same goes for when you love your job. You never or at least, rarely, see the bad in it.

I believe Allah had said, perhaps what you hate can be good to you. I'm not saying I hate being a teacher. I'm just...considering. Everyone had had times like this. When they finally hear what their heart says,

"Do you really love this?"

Honestly speaking, each time I finished my classes, I feel bothered. "Did they learn something? Did they have fun?" I know, this kind of paranoia is something usual for teachers, but it grows inside me like a silent, translucent flame. It stings, and often I find myself falling apart. Then I stitch myself back. Then after quite some time, the stitches fall apart too, and I become fragile. I doubt myself often. And seems there's no end to that doubts. 

Okay to put it in simple words, I feel like regretting. People keep asking,

"Why do you want to be a teacher?"

It's a simple question to this longer version : "Why do you want  to burden yourself? Being a teacher is hard nowadays. If I were to list down your obstacles of being a teacher, teaching at government schools and so-genius-they-thought-you're-idiots and schools-are-boring and you-hurt-me-i'll-tell-my-parents-and-you-know-how-bad-that-is students; it'll be so scary you wouldn't want to be one anymore."

[UPDATED] now I'm in my fifth week, and I guess for me it's never a 'living hell' nor 'realistic paradise' every day, but all this concern , regrets, paranoia, rants all because of me. If I continue looking at things negatively, enduring it didn't always help. My last post was during one of my most severe mental breakdown, sorry for that. But every cloud has it's silver lining. Perhaps you wouldn't see it if you continue to sit at one place, so if you move to someplace else, you'll probably see some. More beautiful, perhaps.

anyway, let's get life going. More weeks to go.